Last night at D.I.A.L It Up women’s class, I listened to Tammy Herron about “first times”…things that have happened to us and how it impacts our mind and most of the rest of our lives. You know like the first love? That even when you think about it now, it’s still like no other love you’ve had. The first high or first buzz, others will tell me is chased after by use after use after use…trying to capture that first high again. The first time you experience something traumatic and you do whatever it takes not to trigger that memory within you because you will remember it as if it happened again. That first embarrassing moment in your young life that just made you want to just die and drives you to a place of isolation so that you never feel it again. Even the first intimate encounter in your young life..whether it was permitted or forced upon you will create confusion and struggle when the time comes for a right relationship. Even just social relationships will be affected by it.
Sooooo….. I said all of that to say that most of my life…fear has overtaken me and I would identify it as my worst enemy. My very first memory was in kindergarten and the teacher had a death grip on my hand as my mom walks away and there I stood crying and trying to pull away from this person I don’t even know, with this unbelievable sick feeling that something terrible was going to happen. It does then seem that that very moment shaped my life. Now I realize that probably many children had/have “come a parts” when sent to daycare or school for the first time, but it did something in me. I can say that most of my life had been avoiding uncomfortable (to point of isolation) situations and I can honestly say an enormous number of tears have come from me. Which I also learned last night that crying is a major stress reliever and has me wondering…where the scripture says, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Just how big is my bottle and how thick is that book? Sorry, total side note. Carrying all that fear creates much stress and I released many tears.
Anyway, I promise you I’m getting to a point here. Lately I had been asking God, why? Why, does fear so easily overtake me? I mean, trust me when I say I am so far from where I use to be regarding isolation and fighting fear all the time. But in those moments of where life slaps you around, that my mind takes me back to that place of vulnerable…that unbelievable sick feeling I get when I was 5 years old that something bad is going to happen. I question, why? I mean I get that fear is a preservation mechanism built within us. But I believe many of us have a short in our wiring and we have a flight, freeze or fight reaction, when it really should be none. So, the Lord and I have been having this conversation and let me tell you it is a one way conversation. I’ve been pulling and reading scriptures on fear and trying to get an understanding. Scriptures like…
“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked came against me to eat up my flesh, my enemies and foes, they stumbled and fell. Though an army should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war should rise against me, in this I will be confident.” Psalm 27:1
“Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God I will praise His word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me? … In God I have put my trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Psalm 56: 3,11
And of course…many know this
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).
Don’t get me wrong, these scriptures I use in those life moments do work. But I still experience this overwhelming sick feeling of something bad, until I can get that “Peace of God” to kick in. But let’s be real, we will at sometime or another encounter fear. Then recently and I mean very recently my question has changed to…why am I scared to feel fear if He has taught me how to handle fear.
Rollback time to little girl in kindergarten, who didn’t understand that the threat was imagined, but the distressing emotion consumed her to believe the threat was real. My husband thinks that it is odd I do not remember before 5 yrs old when he has several memories before then. I look back on my young childhood and all my memories up to, and can I be real honest…through high school having to do with me, bring with it that sick feeling and today have realized it was a lie. There was never a real threat in all those situations that was life threatening or anything bad.
Be Blessed, Speak Life and against all Hope, in Hope, Believe. I believe the enemy wants us to feel distressing emotion, the condition of being afraid….fear. Situations arise in our lives or those we love and the enemy wants us to believe there is a threat. There is a scripture that says, “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears”.
No matter if they are real or imaginary…